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Your GPW Editor-on-Occasion is Petra Fried in the City.
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Bill Haller For Mayor: Real Reform with a Capital "ARGH!"

Yeah. I know! It is a shocker of an announcement.
Normally, I'd just run on my good looks, but the bathroom mirror has not been polling in my favor since about 1981 and collagen shots in my lips would be wrong on so many levels... I do know that I am guaranteed at least one vote; mine; and if the animal rights activists could ever get their act together, I'm pretty sure I could get my Basset Hound's. But, since winning will take more than two votes, I figured I should offer some real reforms instead of the sensible reforms offered by many recent candidates -- and ignored by a majority of voters -- in the last election.
Here we go:
Spin Neighborhood Councils Off Into 501(c)3 Orgs
NCs have become the equivalent of the kids' table at Thanksgiving -- except no one ever graduates to the grown up table. They also have a shelf life of about two years immediately after charter, whereupon the whole thing becomes rather radioactive (witness the lack of a waiting line outside prior to meetings -- there are more people in my dentist's waiting room); Bylaws go out the window along with Rules of Order and public debate becomes a monthly heckling festival over land use. CMs may tout their usefulness (in maintaining a base) but has any CM ever run a new idea through an NC before presenting it to the City Council? You'd have to dig deep for that answer. So, we spin off NCs into non-profs (here's $25 grand, now go raise your own damn money), we eliminate DONE, BONC and any other oversight org with an unhelpful acronym; we eliminate the annual budget dog and pony shows, unproductive hours of district deputies in insanely long meetings having to make community announcements to the same six attendees; we eliminate the wasted phone time of city attorneys having to answer questions about liability, and we eliminate Brown Act oversight. An NC doesn't have much more sway over a CM than an HOA does -- through its 501(c)3 status, the HOA is actually more capable of making their point more powerfully. Spin off NCs. We'll save money, but more importantly, we'll all be happier people and nicer neighbors.
Solve Childhood Obesity While Increasing The Number Of LAUSD Teachers
This one's easy. Contract all of LAUSD's food services through Subway. Hey, it worked for Jared. He lost weight and now hangs out with world-class athletes in commercials. This is what all LAUSD children can achieve (our slogan: "If you believe it, you can achieve it!"). And even if kids only order cheese and bread sandwiches every day, let's remember that food costs would be dramatically decreased and, really, nobody was going to eat the Turkey Casserole anyway. Granted, a lot of lunch ladies would be out of work, but since we're now saving so much money (and hiring new teachers!) we can take the "nice" ones and turn them into teacher's aides. The mean ones can go work at real Subways.
Increase Mass Transit Use
A couple good ideas here: Hire ex-supermodels, celebrities and former rock stars from the 70's through the 90's to serve as "Transit Hosts." This is L.A., there are plenty around that could use the work. Each one could be on a regularly scheduled bus or a train car signing autographs, taking pictures and talking about the old days before they had to ride a bus. Tourism should increase exponentially as travelers worldwide would flock here just to ride with Danny Bonaduce or Kim Richards. We can do that or we could license one car per subway train to a Pot Collective. We could probably keep the trains running all night if we did that.
No L.A. Business Tax Forever On Billion Dollar Corporations Headquartered Here/Double The Tax On Small Businesses Under $1B Gross
This should really incentivize the small business owners.